The Four C's: A field guide to knowing what's actually wrong

When a marriage is in trouble, "we have problems" isn't a diagnosis. It's a fog. The four C's are a flashlight.

1. Commitment

Are you both still in? Not "are we still here" — anyone can be physically here. Have you both decided to stay? Most couples can answer this in two seconds and they're usually right.

2. Communication

Can you say a hard thing kindly, and can you stay a team after the disagreement? If every conflict ends with someone sleeping on the couch, the issue isn't the conflict — it's the equipment.

3. Connection

Gottman calls them "bids" — small invitations to be noticed. A sigh. A joke about a coworker. A hand on the shoulder while passing in the kitchen. Healthy couples turn toward bids ~86% of the time. Couples who divorce turn toward ~33%.

4. Contempt

The single biggest predictor of divorce in 30+ years of research. Eye-rolls, mockery, private rehearsed grievances. Contempt is what's left when respect has quietly died.

Most couples are weakest in one C, and the others slowly follow. The whole point of the Stay Score is to find out which one is yours.